I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
