awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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