I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
