Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
