note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
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We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
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