I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
