just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
