Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
