Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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