i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
