Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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