So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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