I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
