Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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