Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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