It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
