So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
