I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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