meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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