No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
