so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
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there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
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Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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