M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
