Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
