I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
