So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
