so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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