Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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