im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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