I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
