Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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