i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
