My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
