I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
