Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
