Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
