its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
