Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
