my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
