Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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