it hurts more in the daytime
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
