Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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