come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
