Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
