Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
