I love black thongs
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
