u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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