they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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