Taylor Swift is so right about you.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
