when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
