sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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