just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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