I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
