I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
my liver is dry heaving
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
