even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
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Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
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All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
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