no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize