I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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