remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Randomize
