Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
