this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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