Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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